Signs and Confessions

Confession: I had some really bad food this weekend, which I paid for dearly during my early four-mile run yesterday morning. I am going to elaborate about it, but if you do not want to read the pity party I am about to have, just scroll on down to "Signs."

Since it is a blog and I really should be honest, I have to go all the way back to Friday night. Yes I know and I have written two blog posts since then and never mentioned it, but now I have to because you have to be honest to yourself (myself, I guess that should say) and to your readers. So, yeah, Friday night we went out to the Chinese Buffet. I know, right? Trigger food! Why did I do it? I didn’t want to cook dinner. I was tired. I just wanted to eat out ONE time (it has been WEEKS since we last ate out). I am lazy. These are very poor excuses. No worries, I thought. I ran this morning (which was Friday) and it is all good. Just this one time...

Well, I will have to know that ONE piece of trigger food to the tongue tends to set off a whole binge-eating extravaganza with me and that is precisely what happened.

I woke up Saturday knowing it was my "rest" day and Poo Poo had to go to the vet and I didn’t eat a very good breakfast. Blah, Blah, Blah. Not enough food, actually was the problem. When I do not properly "fuel" my body, regardless if it was a rest day or not, I tend to drive the train right off the track. The rest of Saturday was okay, I suppose, I don’t remember what I ate the rest of the day, but after writing the last entry of "It's NOT Cancer," I had to go to the grocery store for the weekly/biweekly stock up. That wasn’t so bad, although there was one point I was wandering aimlessly in the seafood section appalled by how much I was about to pay for NON farm raised salmon fillets, I looked in my cart and was bummed about how much food wasn’t really in there. Don’t worry, I didn’t buy anything bad. I proceeded to check out and spent what felt like a stock brokers yearly salary for barely any food. From there, I just drove, without thinking, to the nearest convenience store and proceeded to…uh buy and eat…a slice of pizza and a chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone. I know! More trigger foods! What excuse did I use here? That my four-mile run was in the morning (Sunday) and I would "burn" it all then. I went home feeling like utter dog shit - bloated, unhappy, and very, very tired.

Well Sunday came alright and I did get out there for my run. Before I even started, I made sure to take a selfie for you all:

Do you see that in the background? Yup, it would be another morning of NO SUN!

I wanted to start "slower" to make sure I would complete the whole thing. I wanted to make sure that I was able to do the hills that I knew was to come. I started slow and realized very early on (maybe in the first half mile) that this was going to be a disaster. I felt really crappy. I was out of breath immediately (from the wheat gluten induced "asthma") and felt very bloated, despite a proper breakfast and a full glass of water. I knew what was happening. My body (gut, actually) was holding onto that water for dear life from the salt and gluten coma I put myself in the night before. I don’t think a drop of water went into a single cell to fuel my run. My calves, lower back, and the area around my Achilles tendon and peroneal tendons HURT. I was running in slush from the warmed weather and foot of snow that was (still) on the ground. I was only a mile in at this point! How was I going to complete three more miles? Besides the pain, bloating, upset stomach, and difficulty catching my breath, the negative self talk started:

"You’re an idiot for eating all that crap food this weekend. This is what you get!"

"How are you supposed to run 13.1 miles in April when you can't even get through this?"

"Guess that pizza and ice cream doesn’t taste so good now, does it?"

"You will never amount to anything!"

Yeah, that last one was a doozy. It is amazing what a slice of pizza and an ice cream cone can do for your self-esteem!

At mile two, I knew there was no way I could do the whole square loop (with the crazy hills from last time). I decided that my only goal was to do ANYTHING to finish four miles without resorting to walking. I was going to run for two and turn around and come back. That is what I did. My legs hurt so bad and I was so thirsty. By mile three, I was whimpering, tears stinging to surface from the disappointment in my mind and body. Not only the negative self talk, I couldn’t understand why I was having so much trouble running in the slush. I felt like I was walking a beach in sneakers.

When I made it to the bottom of my driveway, I had never been so happy to be done with a run before. Of all the runs now, that was the worst. I couldn’t even be happy that I finished without stopping. My times were horrendous. I may as well been walking with 17 minute miles and saved myself the pain!

It doesn’t end there.

We traveled with the dogs to Saratoga Springs to visit with relatives. We had pizza and delicious baked cookies. Yes, you are reading that right. I did it AGAIN! I was starving from my run by the time we got there and the food was ready and so inviting. I consumed an (undisclosed) amount equal to my weight, I swear. Again, I felt tired, bloated, and very sad. It was no one else's fault but my own. I had a crappy run and I was going to finish that day with crappy food. So (you thought I was done?), we stopped at that chain convenience store on the way home from our mini trip, where I proceeded to eat yet another chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone and a snack size bag of chips.

Some now might say, "consider it a cheat weekend." The point is not the food that was eaten. The point is the control (lack thereof). The point is the behavior. Food should not be used in damaging ways like written above.

A "bad" run should not have derailed me. A "rest" day should not be an excuse to engage in damaging "mindful" behavior and self-destruction. But, it did. I am only human (Eric recently said that to me) and as I mentioned in the "Toxic" post, it will be forever an uphill battle. I am learning and when I can identify the issue(s), as writing it out has now done, I can work on it and hopefully, this will play out a little better than it has this past weekend.

Today was supposed to be another running day. I didn’t run today. I am not upset with myself either. I started and have ended my day with good food. I have been drinking a lot of water to help flush out the weekends binge. I thought about how far I have gotten since October 27th. It is pretty far and I am SO NOT ready to throw in the towel just yet.

So tomorrow, I am getting out there and trying it again. And again. And again. And again, if I have to.

Signs: On our way to Saratoga Springs, I was telling Eric how I think I have made a big mistake in attempting a half marathon in just four months. I kid you not, a few hours later, a large, black pickup truck with two stickers on the back window drove by. I wish I had the camera out fast enough to take the picture, but this is what it looked like:

Of ALL the vehicle decals and possibilities in the world, this is what I saw. I mean, it has to be a sign right? I am running this, people! This was a bright light to my weekend!

Have you ever been set back from something important to you? How did you "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" and start again? Do you believe in signs?

Until next time!