A Toxic Relationship

It certainly is a snowy blizzard outside. Roads are not plowed, at least by my standards. I will not be going out today for day two of "two on and one off." After yesterday's workout, I am not going to feel guilty about it either.

Today, I thought that I would talk about why I run. I run because it is the LIGHT to my very dark relationship I have with food.

Suffice to say, I have no cute pictures of my fur children to post or pretty views or my crazy running fashion sense. We are getting down and dirty. Here goes...

There are friends and family alike who are probably out there wondering why the heck I even started a blog and how I can be excited at an accomplishment of four miles in just over an hour. I am sure many of you can WALK that in that time. Here is where the gritty stuff has to come to surface in order for my accomplishments to be understood and it has to do with a very legal addiction:

FOOD

Now, there may be critics out there who are saying, "no Sarah, you just don’t have any will power" or "just stop eating when you are full" and even "don’t eat your emotions, simple as that!" No, it is not simple. Actually, it is an extremely difficult thing to live with, to admit, and in the healing process of a lifetime, to conquer. If you do not understand what I am talking about, it is because you have never suffered from an addiction or have experienced a loved one with an addiction and MAN, KUDOS to you because you never want to experience something like it.

There are many addictions out there: smoking, drinking, sex, cocaine, prescription medications, OTC medications, heroin, gambling, codependency, antidepressants, excessive exercising, and the list just goes on…

What is an addiction? An addiction is defined (via Google) "by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences." Addiction is generally a way to cover up the emotional toil of another problem. That is why I call my relationship with food an addiction. I ate when I was not hungry, I did not care that I was full, and was constantly obsessing about food. OBSESSED.

So, for me, my addiction is food. Look, I said it out loud (first step)! I am/was always in a compulsive engagement with food that resulted in (for a brief period) the release of feel good brain chemicals.

It is not all foods though; it tends to be fat, sugar, and salt.

Let's look at the adverse consequences from food addiction: heart disease, obesity, low-self esteem, depression, insecurity, isolation, decreased energy and chronic fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, restlessness, headache, digestive issues, suicidal thoughts, and more.

I suffer from all the above except maybe the heart disease, but if I continued on the path I was on, there is no doubt my health was at stake.

When did I realize there was a huge problem? Here is the very scary, embarrassing, hard-to-admit-to list of why change needed to happen:

1. My father went into the hospital this past April for his second bypass surgery (come from a very bad genetic line of heart disease). I ATE, in the same hospital cafeteria where he was under the knife, day after day, the foods that were supposed to make me happy and give me comfort to the fear and anxiety I had about my debilitated father. This included pizza, French fries, a lot of soda and sweetened iced tea, cookies, soups, candy bars, and secret binge-eating fast food trips before and after hospital visits.

2. My marriage was at stake! My husband only knew how to comfort me through my depressive states and isolation by bringing me food. It is not his fault either. Yes, he is an enabler. But he loves me and he thought he was doing the right thing. But he is not and you are not either if you are enabling someone's addiction.

3. I didn't go to a very dear-to-my-heart family members wedding because I was scared, afraid, and depressed about the way I looked, about being fat and having to fit into a dress, and interacting with people I didn't know. I celebrated her wedding through pictures, self-loathing, and you guessed it, more food.

4.  I had made a pact to myself at this time last year that for my 27th birthday, instead of celebrating it with food (like the whole world does), I was going to celebrate by completing my first 5K. I signed up for one and even paid the entry fee. My birthday came and went though and I spent my day eating cake and hating myself more for it. I let myself down. BIG TIME.

That is some personal stuff there. Shouldn't personal stuff stay, well, personal? I am going to tell you "NO." Not for me and not about this. I think the problem is people DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT. We need to get it out there, make it known, stop pretending it doesn't exist. By "it" I mean rock bottom from whatever struggle you have going on in life. It doesn't have to be about food, it just happens to be the topic I know all too well.

Some would now say, "Well, what does running have to do with it and won't you replace food addiction with exercise addiction? What is the underlying problem?"

These are the questions I ask myself, too. I just realized I am tired of my pity party and I am certainly tired of letting my life, my marriage, and my friends and family, slip right though my fingers. Know this: ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE CHOICE TO CHANGE. No one else. It is scary as hell people. It is hard (much harder than those hills I conquered yesterday), and I am still crying, working through my messes, trying to find the things that make me happy and excited to be alive. I will always have an addiction with food, always struggle to make the right choices and knowing the difference between fueling my body and feeding my body artificial and damaging "happiness." It is an internal and lonely struggle, but on the outside, you can get the help and support you need be it through family, friends, or professionals. Do what works for you. I think I may have found what works for me and I will see how it goes.

Find what works for you.

What does running do for me:

1. When I run, I make better food choices. Actually, I have been making GREAT choices for food. I look at food not as the tool to bring me those feel-good brain chemicals, but as a source of FUEL for my body and what is going to make me run even better the next time that I am out there.

2. The endorphins released from running last longer and make me feel better overall than food ever has. Do not get me wrong, I still have my issues as all people do, but those long lasting endorphins put my problems into perspective, help me deal with my problems instead of avoiding them and covering them up and ground me better.

3. Running is teaching me to LISTEN to my body. I know hunger cues and I am aware of the feeling of being full. I can stop myself before I get to that point and not feel deprived. I no longer eat when I am not hungry but instead wait for the physical cues and fuel my body then.

4. Running helps me stop eating trigger foods. I no longer eat fast food, Chinese food, soda, foods with high salt content, boxed food, freezer food, foods with preservatives, meat (unless it is grass fed), and foods with added chemicals and colors. I have stopped eating artificial sweeteners, added sugar, high fructose corn syrup, corn products all together, and wheat gluten. And get this - I don’t crave it much anymore. It is never kept in the house anymore, either. I have been running for six weeks now and how long does it take to form a habit? 21 days? Regardless, trigger foods are GONE! What is the saying? "Out of sight, out of mind."

I hope this little admittance can help someone out there with their own internal struggles. Like I said, only you can make the choice, but it can sometimes be comforting to know you are not alone and that it CAN be done. Change can happen, if you want it.

Lastly, before I end this, I am putting it out there. I am going to find a 5K or 10K to run for my birthday on April 13, 2015. I want to celebrate with the amazing things my mind and body can do and I am GOING TO DO IT. All as my witness. I hope you can be there to celebrate it with me. Will report back soon with the race details.

What can you do starting today to change the things you have been meaning to do? Why wait until New Years, start TODAY!

Until next time!

Fine Print: Please know these opinions and actions are my own. They SHOULD NEVER replace the advice, tools, and medications you get from your medical doctor and/or mental health professionals. Thank you.